facebook and the other woman, well one of the firsts

Good ol facebook....ugh I have been separated from my ex for two and a half years, divorce to be finalized soon. We have a mutual friend. This friend says he is "Switzerland"--he doesn't tell my ex what I say and doesn't give me any updates on the ex. Well last night, Switzerland posted a pic from the tv show The Big Bang Theory. I am just getting into this show and love it, so I commented "Bazinga!" A few hours ago, I get up to go to work and see I have a facebook notification on my phone. When I look, this woman posted a comment also. This woman is one of the first women my ex had an affair with.

It was back in '96. I was 20 and the ex was 21, so he had started going to the bars. She was 29 with three kids. She didn't even know he had a girlfriend. Four months later, it all came out and he came crying back to me. We lived with my parents at the time. How my parents were able to stay out of our flawed relationship, I'll never know! So, the other woman continued to go to the bars, get drunk and call our house at 3am! I'm sure she thought she was talking to me, but no, it was my mother!!!!! She would go on about all the promises my ex had made to her and her kids. These harrassing calls went on for four months!!! My mom and I were too scared to press charges because we didn't want to have to go to court and face this woman. I know, I should've kicked him to the curb when I first found out about the affair!

I thought my ex was everything, my soulmate. My first love! So, I did everything to try to keep him happy with me. He blamed the affair on me, because I worked 2nd shift and was not home in the evenings. He liked that she had her own place with an airconditioned bedroom! So, we began buying things to keep him happy. Eventually, I changed shifts and quit doing any extra activites that I enjoyed. All my passions so I could be home and available for my love whenever he might want to spend a few minutes with me. We bought an AC unit for the bedroom, a large tv and Playstation so we could put a game room in the basement, a '67 Camaro project car to entertain him and since his truck was a piece of crap, a brand new pickup truck! How nice!!! Grrrrr Did I mention he was unemployed at the time, another reason he needed entertained. He was supposed to be going to GED prep classes with his brother, but the bar scene won instead. My mom heard an ad on the radio and got the information to get him a state grant and into trucking school which was his dream. I was determined to make this relationship work.

I was a very good drummer, and I marched with a local alumni drum corps that did parades, another thing for him to say I was too busy for him. I was twenty years old, marching beside men in their forties and fifties, and I was not only keeping up, but the instructor told me I should be one of the leaders of the line, not a follower! A very proud moment for me. Definitely my biggest passion! So, I marched in the local Halloween parade with the group. We did a performance at the end of the parade and I felt kinda funny like someone was watching me? Weird, since I was performing infront of a crowd, but this was different, very strange. What do you know, my boyfriend's 'mistress' was right in front of me. I did not break rank! I had to stand and play and perform with her at the edge of the street. Her friend made sure to let me know who they were between songs, loudly asking her if she talked to my boyfriend lately. That was the last time I performed with the group. I gave it up. I couldn't be away from my boyfriend because he would run around on me. I found new hobbies like crafts, painting, knitting and crocheting...things to do at home so I would always be available for my man. Bring on the weight gain....

Well, we married in 2000. I thought we were doing good. While I don't suggest an affair, I thought we had come through it and were closer because of it. A year later, his cell phone bill went over $500. Being a devoted wife who took care of everything for him, I called the company to see what had happened. They gave me the number that was used most frequently on the phone. Big surprise, it was the same woman, living in my town, about four miles from our house. She was engaged to someone else now, and assured me there was nothing going on between them. My husband would call her every morning and talk for two hours while she was getting her kids ready for school. She was a stay at home mom. Great mom! on the phone the whole morning instead of spending the time with her kids! My husband had a burn mark above his ear where the phone would get so hot from being on it for so long! I think I was working third shift now, so I was sleeping and again unavailable. We bought a motorcycle this time. This is when I began checking phone bills on a regular basis. I remember one major fight we had on a weekend of a local motorcycle rally. It was freezing cold and windy, but he had to take the bike out. I was so mad at him for leaving in those conditions, I begged him to stay and be safe. Phone records showed he drove five miles up the road and called her. She must not have been available because he came back home. I was crushed! Even with "nothing" going on between them, he had chose her through a nasty storm! I died a little more inside, but still stayed with him. He was my husband and I said vows to him. That meant something to me.

In 2010, while investigating another affair, I went through my husband's contacts on his phone. Two of the other truck drivers had two cell phones??? Something about one contract not being up before they started one with another company? Fishy then, and really fishy now! I knew the one and his two phones but here was another. I saw both numbers had been called recently and for long conversations. So, I called the second number and what do you know, it was the same girl again! Now married, I didn't recognize her at first but as soon as we hung up she called my husband to let him know I had called her checking up on him.

I never want to be that person checking phone bills and text messages again. I drove myself crazy over the years and the many affairs! Desperate to prove him right, I did research and found out what towers calls came from, trying to see if he was where he said he was. I just wanted him to be faithful and happy with me. I wanted to believe his stories and not that he was the lying, cheating, scumbag that I was finding the facts to support. I tried so hard to believe him. If I said the grass was green, he would say it was brown and I would defend his theory because you know, in the summer and winter, the grass dies and turns brown. My self esteem was at its lowest. The weight gain became another reason for him to cheat.

So, we have been separated for a long time now and soon the divorce will be final. I have let him go and he finally let me go long enough so I could see daylight and how things really were. I thought I had no regrets because I don't feel that I did anything wrong, to destroy the marriage or relationship. I gave it everything I had to keep it together. I will probably never do that again which is a good thing but I always thought marriage meant commitment and sticking by your spouse through thick and thin.

This morning, seeing her comment right below my comment on facebook, I fell into a deep dark place. My regret? I should've let her have him the first time around. I wish I could've let him go back then.

I was thin and beautiful with a very bright future back then. Graduated top 20 of my high school class and should've went to college. Instead, I got a job at the local factory where I still work.

Why do I give her so much power over me??? I hated her for all these years because it was so much easier to blame her than the man I loved so much. He is facebook friends with her and her daughter. I knew this for a long time now. While it hurt a little, I didn't want to know what he was doing now. I try not to care. I don't want him in my life. Seeing them as friends on facebook, I assume she never was out of his life.

But knowing she is alive and well and seeing her post right below my comment are two very different things. I deleted my comment and now blocked her and her daughter. Yes, stick my head in the sand so I can pretend they don't exist and I can be happy in my own little world.

I just want all of this hurt and anger to go away. I go to a divorce support group and it is helping. I finally have some goals for myself. I was doing well. For a long time, everything was so hopeless. At the support group, they say it takes about five years to get over a divorce. I was with him for seventeen years, married just short of ten years. I should've been over him the moment he walked out on me! I should've been doing cartwheels! I don't want to waste any more time on him! I don't want to fall into the dark place when something so long ago gets near me. Crippling anxiety and depression and an instant migraine. Called into work again. My attendance is horrible and then I worry about my job future and if I will ever be rid of these feelings. Everything just piles up. I was doing so well this week and now this.
Back to bed. Hope I feel better when I wake up. Be able to get back on my feet and out of this place. Must exercise when I get up, that will help. Charge an mp3 player and listen to good music. Find myself again. Sorry this is so long, just needed to get it all out.

Source: http://divorce.supportgroups.com/sg/divorce/facebook-and-the-other-woman-well-one-of-the

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